


Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Rampage?

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [71]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bondage, Braids, But This Is Humor..., Crack, Drabble, Hair Kink, Herpes, Humor, M/M, Possessive Lucifer, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sonnets, Wooing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-12
Updated: 2013-11-12
Packaged: 2018-01-01 07:33:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1042102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...Thou art more lovely and more volatile.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Rampage?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Singh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Singh/gifts).



**Michael:**  I bet mine is prettier than yours. Dad said he has adorable stubble. Yours probably has one of those neck beards or something. Or mutton chops.

 **Lucifer:**  *sigh* You’re probably right. Why do you always get the best of everything? I bet my vessel has some sort of factory defect. Like moral fiber. Or veganism.

 **Michael:**  Shhh! Here they come now. The ones in the plaid.

*Sam and Dean walk in, oblivious to their angelic stalkers*

 **Michael:**  Oh! He’s dreamy!

 **Lucifer:**  Yeah. Too bad about yours…

 **Michael:**  What? Oh, I forgot you have horrible taste. Anyway, I’m gonna go talk to the pretty one.

 **Lucifer:**  Mention me to the tall one?

 **Michael:**  Of course.

*He goes to talk to Dean, there’s some gesturing towards Lucifer, then he gets stabbed in the back by Dean and lit on fire by Sam*

 **Michael:**  *reappearing by Lucifer* So. That could have gone better. They were a bit grouchy.

 **Lucifer:**  Yeah, but the way he handled that flame thrower…

 **Michael:**  I heard there’s a younger brother with fewer anger issues. Wanna go fight over him instead?

 **Lucifer:**  Nah, you can have him. I’m gonna keep working on this one. Have you seen his hair?

 **Michael:**  It’s your funeral. Literally.

*later*

 **Lucifer:**  *appearing* Samuel, I would like your body.

 **Sam:**  GAH!

 **Lucifer:**  Too direct? Sorry. I…find your nubile flesh intoxicating?

 **Sam:**  Was that supposed to be less creepy?

 **Lucifer:**  Do not worry! I do not wish to hurt you.

 **Sam:**  Yeah, well, I’m still not gonna sleep with you. Cause you’re still a creeper.

 **Lucifer:**  You think I wish to have sex with you? Oh no! Nothing so vulgar. I’m an angel. I wish to make love to your innermost being.

 **Sam:**  Ew?

 **Lucifer:**  I wish to caress your thoughts, sink my grace into your every orifice until I am leaking out through your—

 **Sam:**  Dude! Stop. Just stop.

 **Lucifer:**  I would take good care of you! Your beautiful chocolate hair! Your manly bestubbled jaw! Your long, elegant limbs.

 **Sam:**  You sound like you want to sell me for parts. Also, could you please move out of my personal space?

 **Lucifer:**  I will for now. But I will return, fear not, oh fair one. I shall win your heart no matter the odds.

 **Sam:**  Please don’t.

*Lucifer disappears for a moment, then reappears thoughtfully*

 **Lucifer:**  I wish to flay your soul until all that remains is your flawless skin and flowing locks for me to crawl inside?

 **Sam:**  Go. Just go.

*several days, and several attempts later*

 **Lucifer:**  Sammy, you don’t understand. I would take such good care of those luscious locks.

 **Sam:**  Please stop touching my hair.

 **Lucifer:**  I can do braids, you know! Corn rows, or French braids. Let me show you my fishtail!

 **Sam:**  Ow.

 **Lucifer:**  I didn’t quite hear that. Was that a yes?

 **Sam:**  NO! IT WAS A NO! STOP PULLING MY HAIR!

 **Lucifer:**  No need to get pushy.

 **Sam:**  You are not possessing me, and that’s final. Also, stop putting my hair in pigtails while I’m asleep!

 **Lucifer:**  But you look like a princess! A pretty, pretty, bloodthirsty princess.

 **Sam:**  Go bug Dean for his body or something. He’s plenty bloodthirsty.

 **Lucifer:**  But he’s not as tall as you are! How will I look down upon my enemies as I stomp on their lifeless remains?

 **Sam:**  Well, with that incentive….

 **Lucifer:**  Really?!?

 **Sam:**  No. Go bug Dean.

 **Lucifer:**  He’s all bow-legged. Plus, you have a bigger penis.

 **Sam:**  Really?

 **Lucifer:**  Yeah. I’ve been watching you both in the shower. He doesn’t cry as much as you when he touches himself. But other than that, you’re much more impressive.

 **Sam:**  Bite me.

 **Lucifer:**  Oka—

 **Sam:**  NO! NO BITING!

 **Lucifer:**  I feel like I’m getting mixed signals.

*the next morning, with lute*

**Lucifer:**

 

> _Shall I compare thee to a summer's rampage?_   
>  _Thou art more lovely and more volatile._   
>  _Rough winds won't shake the war that I would wage,_   
>  _But summer massacres are far from optimal:_   
>  _Sometime too hot the flesh lies putrefying_   
>  _And never is the smell of corpses dimm'd;_   
>  _And every foul from fair sometimes in dying_   
>  _Leaves nothing but the stench of ponds unskimm'd;_   
>  _But thy eternal bloodlust shall not fade,_   
>  _Nor lose possession of that damn'd thou ow'st;_   
>  _Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,_   
>  _When in eternal hellfire's den thou grow'st:_   
>  _Much longer than men breathe or eyes can see,_   
>  _So long live I, and I give life to thee._

**Sam:**  Please leave.

*and a few miserable days after that*

 **Sam:**  Lucifer? What are you doing?

 **Lucifer:**  I talked to one of my brothers, and he told me you enjoyed bondage.

 **Sam:**  It was Gabriel, wasn’t it?

 **Lucifer:**  So you do know him! Cool!

 **Sam:**  Oh, I know him. And next time I see him I’m going to…

 **Lucifer:**  He said he’d be back next week, so…

 **Sam:**  …and then wrap his intestines around his…

 **Lucifer:**  I hate to say it, but that’s a bit kinky for me. But I’ll do my best. Oh! You need a safe word!

 **Sam:**  Yes! Yes! Let’s give me a safe word! How about—

 **Lucifer:**  Don’t worry. I already thought of one. It is Mieczyslaw.

 **Sam:**  What now?

 **Lucifer:**  Name of some unfortunate Polish kid in California. I figured since you’re Polish…

 **Sam:**  I’m not Polish!

 **Lucifer:** Really? I could have sworn…

 **Sam:**  Nope. Not even a little.

 **Lucifer:**  Oh well. I guess now it’s even less likely you’d yell it in the heat of the moment.

 **Sam:**  Yell it? I can’t even pronounce it!

 **Lucifer:**  I’m sure you’ll figure it out if you really want me to stop. But since you like this so much…

 **Sam:**  I like this about as much as herpes.

 **Lucifer:**  Yes, Gabriel told me about that too. Maybe we can work that in a little later.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want updates as they happen, follow me on tumblr, where I am going by using-this-name (with dashes instead of underscores).
> 
> I would also LOVE any prompts that you would like to send me on tumblr. Any pairing, or any trope!


End file.
